Church Panty Party

A Bishop of the Church of England has encouraged Christians to use unconventional methods to bring people into the flock, including lingerie parties. The good reverend says:

"I have not conducted a lingerie party myself, but when Bridget Jones was all the rage I know that some Christian groups were holding knickers parties," she said. "To be honest, I am not sure what happened at those. Nobody has told me."

Apparently, what happens at the lingerie party, stays at the lingerie party.
Other possibilities mentioned are chocolate parties and pamper (not Pampers) parties.
No word on Inquisition parties or Exorcism parties.

"In Her Tomb by the Sounding Sea."

Here's a Halloween treat for you. William Burroughs reads my favorite poem, "Annabel Lee" by Edgar Allan Poe.

Jedi Mind Trick?

It appears that reports of rape, body counts and murder in New Orleans have been greatly exaggerated. This is good news, of course, but it apparently hasn't stopped President Bush from wanting to federalize disaster response, allowing the Pentagon to take charge of terrorist attacks and natural disasters. Using beautiful understatement, the President says that his federalization proposal will require "a change in the law." The law in question is the Posse Comitatus Act, which forbids the use of the military for law enforcement purposes. Posse Comitatus must be revisited in part, we are told, because it is "old and obscure." (It is considerably younger than that rusty ol' Constitution, though.)
Let's review. The President wants to (again) vastly expand the power of the Federal Government in response to a series of violent crimes that never happened. All the tools were in place to deal with the hurricane emergency, but a bloated bureaucracy prevented help from arriving. So, hell yes! Let's expand the bureaucracy even more.

These aren't the droids you're looking for . . .

Your Kids Are Safe Now.

A dangerous and violent kindergartener was caught bringing a lethal butter knife to school. (He says he didn't know it was in his bag, that he didn't intentionally bring it to school. Like we're going to believe that.)
His stupid bitch of a mother had the monumental gall to insist that the mandatory, one-day in-school suspension be lifted since it was obviously an accident and her 6-year-old son meant no one any harm.
The wise and virtuous school officials rightly informed the stupid bitch that she was lucky her future serial-murdering little whelp wasn't expelled.
I, for one, am glad that common sense and case-by-case evaluation and consideration of the students history and behavior pattern will never trump Zero Tolerance.

School Rules. Literally.

You are looking at a photo of David Parker, a Massachusetts man who was arrested after refusing to leave a meeting with school officials regarding the teaching of homosexuality in his son's kindergarten class. School officials have allegedly told Parker that he has no right to control what his son learns in school. If you're like me, and you believe that gays should have full equal rights and acceptance, you may not have a lot of sympathy for this man. However, the larger and more disturbing issue is the attitude of school officials who believe they have sole authority over school children, not the parents. Would you support your children being taught intelligent design, for example? How about being forced to say the Pledge of Allegiance? Take any issue you feel strongly about, imagine your child being taught the opposite of what you believe without your consent or even notification and you'll see why we should be concerned.
I'm not optimistic about much anymore, but one thing I still believe is that good ideas can prevail. However, the forced indoctrination of children—no matter how noble the cause—is a slippery slope I don't care to stand on.

Yeah, But What If It's True?

An Idaho weatherman has left his job to pursue his theory that Hurricane Katrina was artificially generated by the Japanese Mafia—using an electromagnetic generator—to take revenge for the Hiroshima bombing.
This dovetails with Louis Farrakhan's claim that the New Orleans levees were deliberately blown open to "destroy the black part of town and keep the white part dry."
Sounds nutty, right? Here's the sticky wicket, though: What if it's all true?
We can't sit here and pretend that humanity's treatment of the black race is something to be proud of, nor can we pretend that governments the world over haven't invested considerable time and expense trying to manipulate the weather. Why else would Bill Clinton's Secretary of Defense, William Cohen, have said the following in 1997:

Others are engaging even in an eco-type of terrorism whereby they can alter
the climate, set off earthquakes, volcanoes remotely through the use of
electromagnetic waves. So there are plenty of ingenious minds out there that are
at work finding ways in which they can wreak terror upon other nations. It's
real, and that's the reason why we have to intensify our efforts, and that's why
this is so important.

This reminds me of something they used to tell us in church. The Devil's greatest advantage, they told us, is that no one believes in him. Imagine if you had developed technology that could manipulate the weather. The average layman couldn't even begin to understand it, nor would anyone consider it possible—a built-in alibi. The perfect cover.
Suppose you wanted to blow a levee and exacerbate hurricane damage to such a degree that the President of the United States would appear on television and say this:

It is now clear that a challenge on this scale requires greater federal
authority and a broader role for the armed forces.

Think about it, you could wreak havoc on people you deem undesirable. You'd get the President to call for a greater domestic role for the U.S. military and everyone would be happy about it. And most importantly, no one would ever suspect a thing, because they don't want to.
I'm not necessarily endorsing these theories, merely pointing out that blind disbelief to the possibility gives perfect cover to those who might want to do so.

Africa Cam

You can peek in on the sights and sounds of Africa via this live cam at the National Geographic website. The cam pans across the unimaginatively named Pete's Pond, and you can catch a fleeting glimpse of wildebeests, zebras and elephants getting a drink of water. You might be surprised how addicting this is.
You'll need RealPlayer.

William Shatner's Butt

That got your attention, didn't it? Here's a funny blog dedicated to Shatner and his anatomy.

Wanna Join Uncle Sam's Porn Squad?

No, really! The FBI will use agents and support staff (snicker) to investigate porn dealers. Agents are privately poking (snicker, snicker) fun at the new job posting. Not sure how much public support there will be for this new government crusade, since the porn industry has come (guffaw) a long way toward mainstream acceptance, and several big-name companies profit from it.
"I guess we've won the War on Terror," says one anonymous agent.

I've Been Tagged

Okay, it's come around to me, courtesy of my friend, Stephanie. Here's all you need to know about little ol' me . . .

Seven Answers to Seven Questions:

Seven Things I Plan to do Before I Die:

• Stand on top of the Great Pyramid.
• Finish one of the five novels I've started.
• Travel in space.
• Celebrate my 150th birthday.
• Play a gig at Madison Square Garden.
• Record my own CD.
• Live in a castle.

Seven Things I Can Do:

• Play the guitar.
• Juggle.
• Write dirty limericks.
• Make people laugh.
• Write songs.
• Run a 25-minute mile.
• Make perfect scrambled eggs.

Seven Things I Cannot Do:

• Dance.
• Be handy around the house.
• Put my leg back over my head.
• Speak another language.
• Draw.
• Get up early without coffee.
• Fly a plane.

Seven Things that Attract Me to Another Person:

• Warped sense of humor.
• Passion.
• Assertiveness.
• Creativity.
• Even-tempered.
• Curves.
• Curiosity about life and the universe.

Seven Things I Say Most Often:

• Cool.
• Sounds like a winner.
• It's me again, Margaret.
• Okay.
• Ya know?
• Huh?
• Goddammit, you had a yield sign, motherf*cker!!

Seven Celebrity Crushes:

• Sade (the singer, not the Marquis).
• Jennifer Aniston.
• Melissa Etheridge (I know, I know).
• Madonna.
• Monica Bellucci.
• Elizabeth Hurley.
• Carole King.

Seven Random Facts About Me:

• Gothic literature is my favorite reading material.
• When I die, I want to be cremated and have my ashes used in a painting.
• I believe in intelligent life in the universe.
  
• I have twenty-five scars on my body.
  
• I don't kill animals.
  
• I'm a descended nephew of Arthur Middleton, a signatory of the Declaration of Independence.
• I'm a lefty.
  

If that's not a great resume, I don't know what is.

Disaster Top Ten

Here's a list of the ten worst natural disasters waiting to strike the United States. Along with the ones we already take for granted (mega-earthquakes, asteroid strikes), there are more nasty events waiting to happen. For example, there's an active volcano under Yellowstone National Park that is set to blow anytime, and when it does, it will cover half the country in three feet of ash.
Two of the top ten biggest earthquakes in U.S. history were centered in New Madrid, Missouri. Alaska had seven of the others. California had only one.
It might seem odd, but I take comfort in this. It's nice to know that there's some things "they" can't control.

"The Augmented Human"

An article on the future of bioengineering is both fascinating and just a little creepy. It features some of the more-than-human abilities our cyborg grandchildren will enjoy.
Among the highlights:

• An implanted microchip in the brain will allow a person to send brain signals and control machines.
• Contact lenses that will monitor blood pressure and blood sugar.
• A wireless transmitter implanted in a tooth that will act as both speaker and microphone for a cellphone by sending soundwaves to the eardrum.
• A prescription dispenser—implanted in the chest—that monitors body chemistry and releases drugs into your body when you need them.
• Implants that will rejuvenate paralyzed muscles, damaged brain tissue and hearing nerves in the ear.

Now, this all sounds promising, but anyone who's ever read a science-fiction novel has to be a little uneasy.

Psychic Finds Missing Body

In Italy, a medium—hired by a family to help find their missing daughter—successfully directed searchers to the woman's vehicle and body in a lake. Divers were skeptical of the medium's directions since it would have put the 4-wheel drive vehicle underwater 500 feet from shore, but that's exactly where they found it. A police source stated that finding the woman in that spot was a "million to one chance." Skeptics say the medium simply worked out the location using known information. No word on why the police were unable to do that.

A Close Call

A personal anecdote, if you'll indulge me . . .
Today I stood in the bathroom holding my 2-year-old daughter, just goofing around and making faces in the mirror. Not sure why, but I was singing the song The Candyman (the Candyman can 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste gooood). Anyway, I'm serenading my daughter (as we look at ourselves in the mirror) and I come to the end of the song, which goes something like "candyman . . . candyman . . . " I caught myself just before I uttered the fifth "candyman."
Boy, that was close.

Another Dragon Over China

Yes, another hard-to-make-out photo of something strange over China. It's either a dragon or a "wave pattern of turbulent clouds at sunset." Or something.

Bigfoot Flips the Bird

Here's a sketch of a Bigfoot spotted in Illinois. I mean, honestly, do you really blame him?

Brave New World

Reproductive science is growing at a breathtaking pace. It appears that both men and women are now obsolete.

White Giraffe

Cool pic of a rare white giraffe in Africa. I'm sure Ted Nugent will be along to shoot it soon enough.

The Bell Witch

Here's a good bedtime story, kids. The Bell Witch haunted a Tennessee family in the 1800s. The ghost even allegedly murdered the father of the poor family. Even future president Andrew Jackson investigated the case, but after a night of being slapped, punched, having his hair pulled and his covers yanked off his bed in the middle of the night, Ol' Hickory decided he'd rather fight the bloody British.

The Sounds of Hell

The previous post containing the Russian exorcism audio reminded me of the recording that was supposedly made by Russian geologists in Siberia who lowered a microphone into a 14-kilometer-deep hole and recorded the screams of the damned. Anyone remember this?
Of course, we all know it was most likely recorded at an Ashlee Simpson concert, but it's still in keeping with the Halloween spirit.

Honey, I Swear I'll Put the Lid Down Next Time!

One movie I'm looking forward to seeing is The Exorcism of Emily Rose. The movie is based on the true story of Anneliese Michel, a German girl who died during an exorcism in 1976 when medical attention was withheld.
Speaking of exorcism, here's a recording of one from Russia (warning: make sure the lights are on).

Hey, Someday Giant Grasses Might, Like, Replace Fossil Fuels, Man!

Elephant grass might become the new oil and coal. Better stock up now, so someday I can load up the truck and move to Beverly.

The Highgate Vampire is Back!

Since it's never too early to kick off the Halloween season, here's some info about the so-called "Highgate Vampire." True or not, it's a tale sure to get you in the holiday spirit.
In the late 1960's, reports began to circulate that a tall, dark phantom was lurking among the tombstones in the Cemetery of St. James in London's Highgate section. There were also reports that the cemetery was being used for the ritual killing of animals whose carcasses were found drained of blood.
The Highgate Vampire came to the attention of occult researcher Sean Manchester. Manchester was investigating the case of a young girl who claimed she was being tormented by a nighttime visitor who left small puncture wounds on her neck. While following the girl during one of her late night sleepwalks, she led him to a burial vault in the cemetery where Manchester found three coffins. They were empty.
In another vault, Manchester found what he believed to be the "real" vampire and did the Van Helsing routine. Later, Manchester entered a haunted mansion near the cemetery and found a coffin in the basement. Upon opening it, he found the body of the same vampire he'd seen years earlier. He staked the body, and it disintegrated.
Manchester later identified a woman named Lusia as a vampire descendant of the original Highgate Vampire. One night in 1982, he encountered a large, spiderlike creature in the cemetery. He staked it, and come morning, the thing had metamorphosed into Lusia.
More information on the Highgate Vampire affair can be found here.
Apparently, the vampire is active again, as a tall, dark figure is haunting the cemetery once more . . .

Bodies In Ben Franklin's Basement

In 1998, the bodies of four adults and six children were found under a home once occupied by Benjamin Franklin. The bodies were buried about the time Franklin lived there. The bones appear to have been "dissected, sawn or cut, and one skull had several holes drilled in it."
It is believed that another tenant of the home, a doctor, was responsible for the bodies. Apparently, he plundered several graves and used the bodies for medical experiments.
So, we can't call ol' Ben a serial killer. Not yet, anyway.

I'm Their Leader. Which Way Did They Go?

It seems that FEMA cannot verify some of the more horrific stories of violence that allegedly happend in New Orleans. Of course, FEMA cannot find its ass with both hands, so take it how you will.

Oh, the Humanity!

This year's Emmy awards will feature a celebrity singing competition. Featured "acts" will include William Shatner singing the Star Trek theme, which if I recall correctly is little more than a series of high-pitched screeching. That could be hilarious.
Also featured will be Megan Mullally and Donald Trump performing a duet of the Green Acres theme.
The downward spiral continues . . .

Mother Nature Claims Another City

An interesting perspective on the disaster in New Orleans. Cities being wiped out by natural forces are sadly nothing new. One example from history is Mesa Verde, former home of the Anasazi, who were allegedly driven out when climate change made it impossible to grow their maize.
It may be helpful to remember that the United States is no more immune to the will of nature than it is to the repetitious patters of human behavior.

Isn't It Ironic?

This is just beautiful. The State Department has a link on their website to help you identify "misinformation."
If a story fits the pattern of a conspiracy theory or urban legend, it may not be trustworthy. For example, a government investigation has proven that the government didn't lie when it said that—contrary to some conspiracy theorists——a jetliner did indeed strike the Pentagon, and to ask to see the video footage from the myriad surveillance cameras would be fitting the pattern of a conspiracy theory.
It ends by informing the reader that there is a "counter-misinformation team" that will be happy to break your . . . um, would be happy to give you the low-down on any controversial story that's bothering you.
(Oh, and a note to Democrats: this sort of thing ain't gonna go away when Hillary is sworn in.)

Uh-Oh

I'm no sailor, but I'm guessing this is not what you want to see coming over the bow.

No Volunteers for Orgasm Research

You may have guessed by now that this is for women. A North Carolina scientist claims to have invented a device that will deliver an orgasm at the touch of a button, but is surprised that women aren't "beating his door down" to help test it.
A psychosexual counselor (and just what the hell is that?) says that women won't be interested in such a "quick fix," to which men the world over were heard to say "what?"
Good thing I didn't buy into this franchise.

Killer Whale Sets Trap for Seagulls

A killer whale has been observed regurgitating fish onto the surface of the water and then lying in wait for a hapless seagull. The whale even taught the technique to other whales. The ability to set traps and teach the skill to others is known as "cultural learning," a talent once thought to be unique to humans.
Scientists said the whale hid behind a tree with a hunting cap and said, "shhh, be vewy, vewy quiet."

Terrorists are Watching New Orleans

A sober reminder that our enemies are watching the anarchy in New Orleans. If this is the chaos we get after a natural disaster we knew was coming, what will the situation be after terrorist attacks in several U.S. cities at once?
Stock up your cellar and buy a gun, because this is what our cities will look like after terrorists detonate those suitcase nukes the CIA says are already here.