The Second Side

I could put something really witty here if I wanted.

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When you stop believing in coincidence, paranoia is only a heartbeat away.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Legs and Ass

  • We got a recorded message on our answering machine from a company urging us to extend our vehicle warranty so we could have the "peace of mind you deserve." Well, that's pretty presumptuous, isn't it? How do they know I deserve peace of mind? Suppose I deserve all the mental anguish I get all the way to the grave? Hmmm?
  • I saw a commercial for the TV show "Hell's Kitchen." A prick of a chef berates his contestants in ways that only the truly self-hating would tolerate. Is it just me, or is there an overabundance of asshole behavior on TV? When did this become entertainment? If I were rich, I'd offer one million dollars to the contestant who bludgeoned that lout into a two-month coma. Girls, if you ever put up with that kind of treatment, I will hang my head in shame of the failure I was as a father.
  • It's not my fault, Honey, I have sexsomnia.
  • In a recent news story, I read that Mayor Ray Nagin gave a speech bellowing that New Orleans is coming back "whether you like it or not." I wasn't aware that there was a large constituency opposed to New Orleans' recovery, but I do know that a certain mayor's crybaby act is wearing thin.
  • I've decided I don't like air conditioning. I don't like the artificial cold. You can never set it to a comfortable level. Give me a warm breeze any day.
  • A pizza delivery dude brought me the goods last night, and before I was even done signing my name on the dotted line, he said, "You can add the tip if you want. Helps out with the gas." I had company, so I didn't have time to tell him that "reminding" me to tip is unacceptable, white-trash behavior, and that his gas expense is his fucking problem, not mine. Tipping, shit. Sorry, folks, I loathe the practice. I long for a day where I can get service without someone sticking their fucking palm out. Whew, now I feel better.
  • My next screenplay is likely to be about vampires, so I have the enviable task of immersing myself in vampire fiction and folklore. During my research, I discovered that the term "nosferatu" is not Romanian for "vampire." In fact, it is a meaningless word that does not exist in any language.
  • Speaking of vampire fiction, I came across a book of vampire stories from the last 100 years. Eager to dive in, I turned to the first story, "The Story of Chugoro," a translation of a Japanese vampire folktale. Irresistible, right? Well, I began to read and was confronted with this: A long time ago there lived, in the Koishikawa quarter of Yedo, a batamoto named Suzuki, whose yashiki was situated on the bank of the Yedogawa, not far from the bridge called Naka-no-hashi. And among the retainers of this Suzuki there was an ashigaru named Chugoro. Um, before you call something a translation, aren't you supposed to actually translate it?
  • My girls refer to "yesterday" as "last morning." Not sure where they picked that up, but I think it has a nice, romantic ring.
See you all next morning.


Blogger Everything Nice said...

So... which part has the legs and ass in it? I'm just curious to know...

I did read the whole thing looking for a legs and ass commentary though. So I guess in that way you really kept my attention...

Next morning, very catchy. Your girls should copyright it and put it on a t-shirt. I would wear it after a long night of drinking.

...and in that way, it has a nice romantic ring to it too.

expected tipping is the practice of assfaces, I agree.

4:58 PM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

I'll be back... and if you don't have legs and ass on the next post, I'll be a little disappointed.


4:59 PM  
Blogger Defiantly Damned said...

Wow... I can't ever imagine asking (or even hinting!) for a tip. I know restaurant servers count on their tips because the hourly wage is so low - and perhaps pizza delivery drivers are the same - but c'mon, ya just don't ask.

So, did you tip him?

WV: pzaekhd (Pizza Egghead?)


4:05 AM  
Blogger Tricia said...

I have waking sexsomnia.
So annoying. I just start humping people inexplicably. Sheesh.

11:17 PM  
Blogger Fletcher said...

I tend to tip generously, in cash, regardless of the actual payment method. I'd have told the little prick just that and then pointedly left off the tip. Of course, ordering pizza from that place again might be a bad idea. Thenagain, telling the manager why he has lost your business would be helpful.

You could always just shoot the little fucker. Let me get the gun and ammo packed. I'll be there in a few hours.

Two late 20th century vampire novels:

The Making of a Monster by Gail Petersen

Sunglasses After Dark by Nancy A. Collins

Prolly out of print, but both with interesting bits in them. Most of which I think is reflected in the modern genre of alternate history stories where vampires, werewolves, etc are real. But these two deal with the vampires only and from their points of view. PLus, they predate the modern bits.

I'll send you mine, if you want.


6:56 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

Have you read The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova? It's a modern interpretation of Dracula, with a lot of historical research on the man himself, and it's a hell of a read. I suggest you give it a once-through.

That word yashiki caught my eye, I've seen it before...Christopher Pike wrote a young adult vampire series, The Last Vampire, whos main character's sire was one embodied in a human. It's some kind of Hindu snake demon.

Yeah, I'm kinda into vampires. Very mysterious.

And you're right, it's pathetic that we are a society of people so caught up in greed that we are a) crass enough to ask for money that's only supposed to be given for exceptional service, imo, and b) willing to allow ourselves to not only be humiliated for a large amount of money, but compete over who's going to win it, thereby teaching the younger generation watching "reality" TV that self-esteem is an illusion of the masses and every soul has a price.

Okay, I'm done.


6:05 PM  
Blogger Heather said... took the title from Fletcher's comment on your last thought compilation blog!

Yay, all right, I won!!!

Er...what did I win, again?


6:11 PM  
Blogger Tree said...

It was also a comment Fletcher had made at The Gathering when asked to what part of a woman's body he was most attracted.

He then followed up with something about the ass and the legs...the legs because they were functional..and lead up to the ass. Or something like that.

1:54 PM  
Blogger Tricia said...

O sent me the link to watch hell's kitchen on-line.

OMG! I'm loving it!

12:26 AM  

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