The Year in Cryptozoology

Boy, if I had it to do over, cryptozoology is the field I would go into. Here are the top cryptozoology stories of 2005, including that big-ass squid and the Disney Yeti expedition . . . . Disney Yeti expedition??

Do These Pants Make My Butt Look Big?

Having solved all problems of overpopulation, hunger and disease, scientists now turn their attention to studying the effects of select garments and fabrics on the appearance of the female derriar, uh, derrier, er, ass.
From now on, when we men get that dreaded question, we can preface our answer by saying, "Well, honey, studies have shown . . . "

Tip of the Day

If you're a TV talk-show host conducting an interview about sex with the handicapped, try not to laugh like a hyena at your guest's helium voice. It's not in English, but no translation is necessary.

(If the link doesn't load, hit the download link in the center of the page.)

Didn't Know That . . . Didn't Really Need To.

After turning off a DVD I'd been watching, I caught a snippet of "Law and Order," a show I've never seen.
Did you know that if you put an electrified probe up a dead man's bum and give him a charge, you can collect sperm that's still viable if you get it within 30 hours of his death? No? Well, you're welcome.

Peace on Earth

And I mean real peace. Not just the absence of war, but the presence of justice and freedom.

Merry Christmas to my blogger buddies: Davis, Tree, Stephanie, Monkey, Monkey's Human, Fletcher and Chris, and to everyone else who stops by.

You Better Watch Out

The Pope dons his Christmas hat. Nothing scary about this pic . . . nope, hmm-um . . . . mommy!

Wordplay

A new post at Sketches of an Hour. This post is the result of a writing exercise from Natalie Goldberg's book, "Writing Down the Bones." You select words from a text (I used "The Dunwich Horror," by H.P. Lovecraft) at random and write them down. Then, you go through your jumbled mess of words and arbitrarily add punctuation: a comma here, a question mark there and so on. The idea is to create some really cool——if nonsensical——sentences.

Dirty Hands

I caught a conversation on TV last night about immigration. One of the talking heads was vomiting the usual cliches about how it should be okay for businesses to exploit immigrant labor because they will "do the jobs Americans won't do."
Well, maybe there's a little truth to that, but reviewing my own work history, I have worked on a garbage truck, worked in lawn care in stifling heat and drenched in sweat, unloaded freight trucks at the buttcrack of dawn, worked for Servicemaster where I cleaned restrooms so covered in shit it looked like someone's ass exploded and ladies' rooms with used tampons unrolled across the floor and gone to the hospital for razor cuts, injured backs and dog bites in the ass.
This is not to pat myself on the back, but to say that I sure get a chuckle when I see some pink-fingered Ivy leaguer on TV lecturing me about the work Americans won't do.

72 Bands

There are 72 bands represented in this picture. See if you can guess them all.

That's a Lot of Damn Books!

For $7,989.50 (free shipping), you can own the entire Penguin Classics Library . . . all 1, 082 volumes. Here's a list of titles.
If you're loaded enough to get this collection, you have enough to buy me a set, too. Just email me for my shipping address. Thanks.

The Future?

From Aldous Huxley's Brave New World:

The world's stable now. People are happy; they get what they want, and they never want what they can't get. They're well off; they're safe; they're never ill; they're not afraid of death; they're blissfully ignorant of passion and old age; they're plagued with no mothers or fathers; they've got no wives, or childre, or lovers to feel strongly about; they're so conditioned that they practically can't help behaving as they ought to behave. And if anything should go wrong, there's soma. Which you go and chuck out of the window in the name of liberty, Mr. Savage. Liberty!

Cthulhu Rising

There's a new film based on H.P. Lovecraft's story "The Call of Cthulhu," produced by the people who run the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society. There's a trailer for the film here.
Thanks to the gang at The Mystery of the Haunted Vampire for the heads-up.

Gather 'Round All You Clowns

Share your favorite Lennon lyrics (solo or w/Beatles).

"Unfortunate Incident"

I don't want to heap shit on the air marshals who shot Rigoberto Alpizar at Miami International, but it would be wise to keep our eyes on this one. Remember the Brazilian national who was shot by London police? We were told that he was connected to the subway bombings there, that he was running from police, that he wore a heavy jacket in warm weather, that he jumped the ticket barrier . . . all of which turned out to be complete bullshit.
Watching the reporter on cable news all but ordering me not to be angry at the air marshal over the incident only made me suspicious as hell. "You can't blame the air marshal. These terrorists use deception all the time!!" Just once, I'd love to hear a reporter say, "Don't believe the official story just yet. Governments lie all the time!!"
I won't hold my breath.

Isn't It Ironic?

Tonight, ABC aired A Charlie Brown Christmas, in which Chuck and the gang lament the commercialization of Christmas. ABC had to turn away advertisers, and those that were lucky enough to place an ad ponied up to $200,000 for a 30-second spot. Last year the show earned $5.75 million in ad revenue.
All I know is that every year those characters' voices sound younger and younger.

New Story

I posted a new short story at Sketches of an Hour. The title is "There's a Clown at the Door," and it was inspired by this quote from the great silent film actor, Lon Chaney:

A clown is funny in the circus ring, but what would be the normal reaction to opening a door at midnight and finding the same clown standing there in the moonlight?

Hope you enjoy.

Our Cross to Bear

According to a British study, artists and poets and other creative types have two to three times as many sex partners and are more likely to show schizophrenic tendencies. They are also prone to act impulsively for the sake of experience . . . is there any other reason???

You've Been Warned

Some scary stuff from Sheldon and Wendell . . .