Shhhhh!

The news is not good:

• According to Bob Woodward, Henry Kissinger is a frequent (and secret) visitor and advisor to George Bush. This is horrible, horrible news, worse than even the knee-jerk Bush-haters could possibly imagine. It brings to mind what I consider to be Dubya's most breathtaking act of hubris: his attempt to get Kissinger appointed chairman of the 9/11 Commission. Thank God that one got shouted down. Check out Christopher Hitchens's The Trial of Henry Kissinger if you're ready for your blood to boil.
• American diplomats are working in secret with their Canadian and Mexican counterparts to bring about a North American superstate. Not that there's anything wrong with that in theory, but it's all being done out of earshot of Congress, and any such treaty would trump the U.S. Constitution. Now you know why neither party is interested in securing the Mexican border-we'll all be citizens of the same country eventually, so why go to the effort?
• The House recently passed a bill that allows schools to conduct warrantless strip searches and gives school employees immunity from prosecution. The House took the cowardly step of bypassing committee debate and holding a voice vote, meaning that votes were not recorded, and members can't be held accountable for their vote. The bill "does not address whether body cavity searches are included, whether training will be provided to staffers performing them, whether background checks on staffers would be necessary, whether students who have been sexually abused in the past would be subject or whether parental notification would be required. Without those specifics, the judgment of local school administrators will be the litmus test." That rumbling sound you hear is the stampede of pedophiles rushing to get their teaching certificate.

Ain't freedom fun? This message will self destruct in 30 seconds . . .

The Rich Can Do Anything They Damn Well Please

What do you do if you're a billionaire who has everything you could possibly want? Why, marry your daughter, of course.

The Vatican Time Machine

• Yes, I'm still here. It's been a busy time. I've finished my second screenplay, and am practicing for a gig this Friday. In the audience? The Nebraska governor and members of the Nebraska Congressional delegation. Should be interesting. I'll give a report.
• First of all, here's a headline for you. The article might make you lose your appetite, though.
  
• We dined out with my wife's sister and her husband at a Cajun restaurant. It was very good. The waiter wore a T-shirt that said: Forget the crawfish . . . eat ME! I think I'll go with the crawfish.
• A while back, I shared a story about how a young lady tried to entice me to participate in her "survey" by offering a free, no-obligation can of air freshener, which she promptly took back after I decided it was taking too long. Well, Sunday, another young lady came to the door, air freshener in hand, telling me that it would cost me absolutely nothing, etc. I tried several times to tell her that I knew what she was up to and wasn't interested, but she wouldn't shut up. Finally, I had to tell her rather firmly that I wasn't interested, and she stalked off, saying, "Okay, thanks for nothing." Oh, man, did she get an ass-chewing after that. My wife made fun of me for calling her "young lady" during my diatribe. Well, she disrespected an elder.
  
• Dick Morris described Bill Clinton's meltdown on Fox News Sunday thus: There he was on live television, the man those who have worked for him have come to know-the angry, sarcastic, snarling, self-righteous, bombastic bully, roused to a fever pitch. The truer the accusation, the greater the feigned indignation. Yep, that's about how I saw it. One need not be a Bush lover to thank Allah the Bill Clinton era is over.
• Monkey's back. Yay!
• Looking for new writing ideas, I browsed through one of many files I keep on odd news stories. Some of the ones I found: a little girl who weighs 13 pounds and is 27 inches long-about the size of any average 6-month-old, only she's 12-years-old. Doctors don't know why the girl hasn't grown, and believe she may be the first and only person to ever suffer from her disease; A minister, his wife and two of their children were killed when an oak tree fell onto their car as they were driving. There was no wind, no reason for the tree to have fallen at that exact moment and angle to cause the accident. The odds of it happening were beyond estimation; The Vatican is accused of hiding a time machine invented by a Benedictine monk in the 1950s. The "way-back machine" was allegedly used to travel back in time to film Christ's crucifixion.
  

I could think of some things I'd film if I went back in time . . .

Spandex Fetishism

• A bumpersticker I saw yesterday: Hell . . . it ain't the heat, it's the humidity. Hmm, didn't know that.
• Words of profound wisdom from Larry the Cable guy: "The Lord Jesus died for my sins, and if I ain't sinnin', then he died in vain."
• If you work in a parking garage, I have a tip: If I'm pulling into the garage, you don't need to wave me in. I'm okay.
• I suddenly realized that even though I could name a lot of people that Justin Timberlake has dated, I have never heard him sing. Does he sound like a girl? 'Cause that's probably why.
  
• Rosie O'Donnell said recently that "radical Christianity is just as threatening as radical Islam." Fucking idiot.
• Does anyone else find themselves lost in Wikipedia? The other day I spent two hours reading up on pro wrestlers I used to watch as a kid. I certainly don't watch wrestling anymore, but I couldn't stop myself from finding out what happened to Junkyard Dog (he's dead). Anyway, when you're wandering through Wikipedia, you never know where you're going to end up. You might, say, stumble across an article on spandex fetishism. You're welcome.
• I need to keep a parenting journal. The girls are saying and doing so many cool things, I keep thinking to myself, "I've gotta remember that!" Why is it that in order to fully appreciate a moment, you have to be acutely aware that the moment is going to end?
• Last night I finished the first draft of my second screenplay. I feel pretty damned good about this one. It's nice to finally feel like life is pushing you down a clear path. Of course, the odds are ridiculously long, but it's all been a refreshing change of pace.
  
• I became unbelievably aroused looking at this. I know some of you will, too.
• It suddenly occurred to me that next month is Halloween. Now I'm giddy. I'm thinking about being a fat Elvis this year. Not sure. All I know is that it's the most wonderful time of the year. Vampires, werewolves, witches, goblins, dank dungeons, misty woods, ah . . . I'm alive again.

Have we not heard the bells at midnight?

Get Your Tickets Here

Here's some more silliness for us all to try. Make your own concert ticket.

Cannibals Soup

Did anyone else have these trading cards as a kid? They were a take-off on popular products of the day. Boy, I had forgotten all about these. Funny.

Star Trek Inspirational Posters

Oh, you just gotta love this, my friends. A series of Star Trek-themed spoofs on those annoying inspirational posters in your boss's office.