I Can't Draw Woody

• I can't draw Woody (that's Woody from Toy Story, Davis, not a woody). My daughters asked me to draw Woody for them, but my drawings made him look stoned. One rendition made him look like Oliver Hardy.
  
• I saw a Dell commercial the other day. A man calls the Dell help line, and someone- speaking with perfect English-answers the phone on the first ring, and says "Welcome to Dell, what can we build for you today?" Oh, puh-leeeeeze!
• On the radio, I heard an ad for a job with the radio station as a "Director of First Impressions," a position formerly known as "receptionist." The logic is that the receptionist is the first person a customer sees when they walk into the station building. May I suggest cleavage and leg. Everyone, repeat after me: cleavage and leg, cleavage and leg . . .
• I didn't see the Emmy awards, but I heard Conan was hilarious. Also heard that people are up in arms that he did a skit about a plane crash on the same day as the Kentucky plane crash. For the love of God and all that is holy, people, please stop it. Stop being so goddamned sensitive. My heart goes out to the families of those crash victims, but it is their pain, not yours or mine. It's this sort of hyper-sensitivity and irrational fear that makes it impossible for me to see the Liberty Bell without having my prostate checked.
• Rio is building a so-called City of Sex . . . well, what else do you need to know? We've found the next Gathering Point.
• That nutjob who's trying to take the "credit" for killing the Ramsey girl once said that he wants Johnny Depp to portray him in the movies. Sorry, asshole, but Depp will be playing me!
• I stopped at Border's today, and as the cashier rang up my purchase, she held up the book and asked, "Did you find it?" I've been struggling for days to think of a good "Here's Your Sign" retort, but I have failed. Please help.
• I can't stop giggling at this, because I'm immature at heart. Just go here and have some fun. Instructions are on the right. Click "add person," and you're on your way.
• If you want to add about 15 inches to your vertical jump, just have one of my daughters come up behind you and pull on your leg hairs. It worked for me.
• One of my daughters is so tall now that I can't take her by the arms and swing her between my legs anymore. I know how it feels. I remember growing so fast that I outgrew that sort of stuff earlier than most kids. It wasn't long before I was too tall to be swung around, or too heavy to be carried. However, I'm still considerably larger than my daughters, so they have plenty of swinging and tossing and horsey rides left to go. I'd better get in shape, though.

Here's yer sign.