The Week That Was

• Traffic continues to fascinate me. I'm tempted to actually do research into why people are so careless at something so serious. It speaks volumes about the human condition, which is why I'm constantly drawn to it. For example, a tip for some of you: if you are trying to merge, it is perfectly legal to merge behind me. Although you may have to cry and pout that you didn't get to go first—wahh, wahh——you don't have to drive on the shoulder, careen off the guardrail and do a double flip in order to merge ahead.
  
• Speaking of driving, if you come across a cop with his lights on, having pulled someone over, I have good news. He's busy. You're safe. There's no need to stomp on your brake pedal like you're killing a spider. What are you, a sheep terrified of the cops?
  
• Bryant Gumbel mocks the Olympics as being "whiter than a GOP convention." And, being whiter than a GOP convention himself, he ought to know. I agree the winter olympics really blow. I heard one snowboarder dude say, after winning the gold, that he "likes hanging out in the pipe." I'll bet. I prefer summer olympics, which means girls playing sand volleyball, running track and swimming, all while wearing tiny, clinging little outfits. Only two more years (sigh).
• Bill Clinton says that the European cartoonists who mocked Mohammed should be convicted, and that the press has no right to criticize other faiths. This is coming from the husband of a woman who said that the internet needs a "gatekeeper." If you run out of toilet paper, you can now use the First Amendment to wipe your ass. Just remember this next time some celebrity is giving off a helium blast about how critical a choice you have at election time. Please, oh please, Bill, tell me you were quoted out-of-context. I'm actually willing to give you the benefit of the doubt on this one . . . for now.
• Houston Police Chief Harold Hurtt proposed putting surveillance cameras inside people's homes to help fight crimes during a police shortage. Says Chief (make it) Hurtt: "I know a lot of people are concerned about Big Brother, but my response to that is, if you're not doing anything wrong, why should you worry about it?" Well. Why don't you set the example, Chiefy? Let's set up a camera in your bedroom, and the rest of us will watch you fucking your wife to make sure you don't knock on her backdoor, which is probably illegal in Texas. Hey, if you're not doing anything wrong . . .
• Osama bin Laden: "I will never be captured alive." U.S. Marine Corps: "Tell us something we don't already know, motherfucker."
• In my Film History class, we watched "Singin' In the Rain." I'd never seen it, and I loved it, only to have the professor's arrogant assistant tell us that it is racist ("did you see any black people in the movie?") and sexist ("One female lead was a pushover, the other was a bitch."). Oh, and that marvelous scene with Gene Kelly, Cyd Charisse and a 25-foot white scarf? Well, that would be a masturbation metaphor. Boy, I'll bet that professor's assistant is one fun date at the movies, eh?

Wow, got a little long-winded. Sorry. Have a great week.