I Vant Your Vote

Saying politics is a "cut-throat business," self-proclaimed vampire and satanic priest Jonathan "The Impaler" Sharkey—of the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party—is running for governor of Minnesota.

His platform? If elected, Sharkey will:

• Emphasize tax breaks for farmers, education and better benefits for veterans.
• Post "everything from the Ten Commandments to the Wicca Reed" in government buildings.
• Personally execute convicted murderers and child molesters by impaling them on a wooden pole on the lawn of the state capitol (he just got my vote).

Sharkey drinks blood from the neck of his wife. He doesn't hate Jesus, but considers God the Father to be his mortal enemy.

I'd love to see him debate on TV.