I Fired My Muse

• I saw a girl at the store who wore those britches that have words written across the ass. Her ass read "Juicy." What with all the wiggling and twitching, it was hard to read, and I tried not to look, honestly I did, but I like to read, and I considered the text across her bouncing butt to be a challenge, so I accepted. Really, though, is "Juicy" the word you want associated with your tushie? Sounds like something you would see the doctor for. Consider synonyms for "juicy": dank, dewey, dripping, humid, oozy, pulpy . . . okay I'll stop.
  
• I'm considering marketing my own line of pants with the phrase "meaty, beaty, big and bouncy" across the ass. Anyone care to test market it for me??
• We converted half our basement into a little movie theater. We purchased a home theater projector, painted half a wall with movie screen paint and it works pretty slick. We tested it out by watching Star Wars. What I love about that movie is that whenever I see it, I am 6-years-old again, sitting in the Sun Theater in Holdrege, Nebraska, with eyes wide open in wonder, scarcely able to believe that people could create something so awe-inspiring. Few things take me back so vividly. I'll always be grateful to George Lucas for that.
  
• Al Gore recently told Larry King that the debate over global warming in the scientific community is "completely over." Well, no it isn't, but I like the tactic Al is using: simply declare the argument over. I'm going to try this with Mrs. Jimmy. "Honey, the debate is completely over." I'll let you know how it goes.
  
• My girls don't like flies. They're scared of them. One entered the dining room while they ate, and Abby said, "Daddy, get the bug." Laura said, with deep conviction in her voice, "Daddy'll get it." So, chest swelling, nostrils flaring and clutching the rolled-up Sunday paper, I bravely set forth to kill a creature about one millionth my size. After several whiffs, I decided I was never going to win. So, I loudly swatted the counter and proclaimed myself the winner. The girls cheered me, and then the fly reappeared. The girls frowned and said, "Daddy, you didn't get it." This is why you don't lie.
• Oculolinctus refers to the act of licking a partner's eyeball for sexual arousal.
  
• Bizarre headline of the day: "Anna Nicole Smith's Former Stepson Dead at 67."
• I fired my muse. I had grown too dependent on her. Her name is Cindy. Not sure how she got that name. She has long red hair. She is the subject of a painting that used to hang in our office. She sits in a boat. The look on her face is mysterious. She could be sad or angry or about to laugh. You just can't tell. She is still in the house, only in the bedroom now. She had grown unreliable, and I had grown tired of waiting for inspiration to come to me. I've shifted to the Jack London school of thought: "Don't wait for inspiration, go after it with a club." Now, in Cindy's place is a stark print of the Mary Celeste. It's a reminder to me that life is mysterious, and I love the mystery.
  

Have a mysterious weekend.