"Doc, My Wife is an Alien"

Here's a list of strange afflictions that sure beat the hell out of cancer. Among the highlights:

• Capgras Syndrome: A mental condition in which the sufferer believes that his wife or spouse——or even himself——has been stolen and replaced with a sinister doppelganger.
• Pica: A "compulsive appetite for non-edible items, including clay, stones, cigarette ash, paint, glue, laundry starch, ice and even hair," and rice cakes.
• Foreign Accent Syndrome: Damage to the speech areas of the brain can alter pitch, pronunciation and speech patterns, and cause you to speak like Inspector Clouseau without warning.
• Alien Hand Syndrome: "This bizarre syndrome involves losing control of one hand, which can do anything from gesticulating to unbuttoning clothes its owner is trying to put on with his or her other hand." Sorry, honey, I didn't mean to touch you there . . . it's my Alien Hand Syndrome.
• Penis Panic: Common in less developed parts of the world, Penis Panic occurs when a man believes his dick is being stolen or is disappearing into his body. They don't realize that pee-pees shrink in the cold or in old age. They obviously have never seen the "I was in the pool!" Seinfeld episode.

In the meantime, I apologize in advance for my Alien Hand Syndrome.