Life Can Be Embarrassing

• This is mostly a question for the guys, but I suppose the gals could speak to it, too. Have you ever been in a public restroom, and the person next to you farts so loud you instantly stop peeing? I didn't think it was physiologically possible to stop pissing in midstream, but last weekend I was standing at a urinal, and the bloke next to me let out a trombone blast that nearly scared me out of my shoes. There wasn't even any need to shake it off, I just got the hell out of there before Foghorn Leghorn caused an acid rain to fall. Bastard.
• One of the things we men love about women is their habit of walking along at a brisk pace and then stopping suddenly without warning. I can't count the number of back-to-front collisions I've had with my wife. Well, today was the prize winner. I was at the store in the soda aisle, and just as I stooped to get a 12-pack of Coke, the lady (not my wife) who was walking (briskly) in front of me chose that exact moment to pull the ol' suddenladystop, and the crown of my skull rammed into the bubble of her ass. She went, "Ooo!" and I apologized and we went along our own red-faced ways. It reminded me of those old Reese's peanut butter cup commercials, remember those? (Your chocolate is in my peanut butter.) Only our commercial went more like, "Hey, your head is in my ass. Oh, no, your ass is on my head." I hope she's not a criminal, cause she might have some strands of my hair on the seat of her britches.